Today’s blog post is my version of a Public Service Announcement (PSA). I have been asked many times, having gone through cancer myself, what friends should say when someone they know is diagnosed with cancer. There are always the good, old standards – “I’m so sorry” – “If there is anything I can do, just let me know” – “I’ll pray that you will feel God’s loving presence with every step, as you together walk the difficult road ahead of you.” While providing words of comfort is important when a friend or loved is on their cancer journey, what you don’t say can be even more important. Let me explain.

I can’t even begin to estimate how many well meaning people have said something to me like –

I know how nervous you must feel coming up on your 4 year scans. My mom had cancer and she was really anxious for each scan, up to that magic 5 year mark, but we celebrated with her when she was still clear at 5 years. I mean, it came back after that and she eventually died of cancer, but I remember how nervous she was before scans and how great she felt each time she got clean scans.

Although I believe they are truly trying to express empathy for what I’m going through, sharing a story of someone who, eventually, died of cancer is NEVER okay. We all know people who have died from cancer, I am not in denial, but FIGHT THE URGE! It doesn’t help.

Another spin on the same story, that I just experienced recently, might drive this point home a little more clearly. Someone mentioned that my story sounded just like their son-in-law’s, and he had a blog too (providing a link to his blog). I assumed, incorrectly, that it must be a blog on encouragement during tough times on his cancer journey. Instead it was his experience with the same, rare cancer that I had. He recently had a biopsy, after a concerning finding on a scan, which showed his cancer had returned and metastasized. He probably only had a month or 2 left to live. Reading of his reoccurrence, while awaiting my biopsy, sent me into a panic. Why would anyone share his blog in the comments of a post discussing my fears about an upcoming biopsy needed because of a finding on a scan I recently had?!?! How could that possibly be a good idea? Now I believe this person meant no harm, but, again, FIGHT THE URGE people!

Words are powerful and soothing when used to encourage and build up, but they are powerful and destructive when chosen carelessly. I just ask that you pass words you say through a filter of hope and encouragement, so we can all choose hope a little more easily during seemingly hopeless times.

This ends today’s PSA.