Do you ever wish someone could reassure you that everything is going to work out? That they could tell you, no matter how bleak things look right now, it will be okay in the end?  That’s exactly what I was longing for after my first visit to an Oncologist.  They had found a hole in my pelvic bone (more on this miraculous find in a future post) and had referred me to an Oncologist.  She believed I had stage 4 multiple myeloma and sent me for blood tests to confirm her hypothesis.  I was panicked.  When the bloodwork came back, all my numbers were right in the middle of the normal range.  I wondered, what does that mean?  I don’t have multiple myeloma?  Everything is fine?  It’s all a big mistake?  I’m not going to die?  It was then that I heard God say, almost audibly, “I’ve got this.”  What?  I am not someone who regularly hears God speak to me.  I wish I were, but I am not.  There are only a handful of times I truly believe I have heard Him say something to me and this was one of them.  I was initially comforted by this and took it to mean I didn’t have cancer after all.  I would later learn that was not a correct interpretation.  I did have cancer.  A really rare, really aggressive bone cancer.  So, did I misunderstand or did He never tell me that in the first place?  There were many times over the next 12 months that I asked myself that very thing.  There have been many times recently, like during my biopsy last month, that I questioned it again.  But I know that I heard Him say that to me 5+ years ago.

How can I reconcile what I truly believe God told me and the continual trials I encounter along this cancer journey?  I have come to believe that He did tell me He “had this,” but it did not mean I was cancer-free.  I wanted it to mean that, I initially thought it meant that, I still want it to mean that.  What it did mean is that He was going to work this out how He saw fit, that it would ultimately be for my good, that He had not dropped the ball here.  It also meant that He was not going to leave me to walk this path alone.  That He would be beside me, and sometimes carry me, through every unbelievably tough day.  There were many days that I didn’t feel him there, that I didn’t like the way He was choosing to “have it,” but He “had it” none the less.  It also didn’t mean He “had it” any less if I hadn’t survived the last 5 years.  I am so grateful He has seen fit to leave me here so far, but that doesn’t mean I’m not fearful every time something new comes up.  I am human.  It does mean that I remind myself of those words I truly believe He gave me all those years ago and try to trust them.  There have been many times, during dark days, I have pleaded for more words of reassurance that have not come.  But God is there when He speaks and when He chooses to remain silent.  He is always there (we never have to do this on our own) and He always loves us unconditionally and completely.  That is a reason for hope!