Being broken is really hard.  There are many different types of brokenness.  Over the last few months I have been dealing with a broken wrist.  It’s amazing how many things you need two hands for.  It seems even the simplest tasks are difficult when a wrist is broken.  I progressed from a cast to a brace to kinesiology tape to skin (really flakey, scaly skin).  I went from not using my left hand at all to doing easy stretching exercises to modified push-ups.  But that type of broken heals and life goes on pretty much as before (thank goodness).

Then there is the brokenness that accompanies something like a cancer battle.  When I began that journey I truly believed that if I survived the surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation it was only a matter of time before I would be back to my old self.  As I was coming back to life from all the poisons injected into my veins and radiated into my bone I held onto the hope that, after a period of healing, I would be good as new.  As the days turned into weeks, months, and years I realized the old me died with the cancer.  I felt “less than” and terribly broken, a brokenness that would not go away.  I wanted what I had BC (before cancer), but that was no longer an option.  If I can’t be who I was before, who am I now?  What is my new normal?

I have been slowly trying to learn who the new me is AC (after cancer).  The first thing I realized I needed to do was mourn the loss of BC me.  That is an ongoing endeavor.  But as I have been walking this road, I have discovered parts of the new me that never would have existed without the firewalk that was my life.  I have a depth that never would have developed had I not stared death in the face and won.  My friends say I am much more authentic and empathetic, traits that weren’t really valued in my prior life in corporate America.  My sister shared that she had always really loved me, but that she liked me more now (I think that may point back to the authenticity noted by my friends).  I have heard that it is where you are broken that the light can shine through you.  I picture myself as a vessel, with all these cracks.  As the sun shines on me some reflects off my broken edges, shining onto others, while some rays shine through my cracks, illuminating the darkness within.

Brokenness, in any form, is not easy.  It is not meant to be.  But if we take a step back, a deep breath, and ask what we are to learn from this experience, we might be pleasantly surprised with the answer.  We are never the same after having been broken, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be better.  Our definition of whole may need to change, but the new version can be stronger and more real than we ever could have been before.  Just as a broken bone regrows stronger at the point of the break, we can grow stronger from all the brokenness we experience.  Let’s embrace our new normal and be grateful for all we can learn during our hard times.  Let’s turn our brokenness into something beautiful.  And no matter what we are facing, let’s resolve to never give up hope!