You would think it would get easier, but it doesn’t seem to work out that way.  My next scans are scheduled later this week.  Anxiety abounds.  I tell myself that the greatest risk of recurrence was in the first 2-3 years.  I tell myself that these are my 6 year scans and I have been clear to date.  And then I remember ALL the stories people have shared with me about friends and relatives who made it to 5 years, got the all clear, and then it came back everywhere and they died.  Yes, you can’t imagine how many of those stories I have been told.  I never understand why people think that is helpful.

I also remember what happened last year, at my 5 year scans.  I don’t know how many of you read all about that in last year’s blog posts (feel free to look back at them, if you want more of the details), but the short version is my surgeon read my scans and said they looked clear, only to call me 3 days later and say the Radiologist saw something and he is “very concerned.”  When your cancer surgeon tells you he is “very concerned,” you become VERY CONCERNED!  So, although it ended up being a false alarm, the PTSD is real.  My body experienced emotions and trauma that were worse than during the initial diagnosis. You see, when I received my original cancer diagnosis I knew it would be bad, but I had NO idea how bad.  Now I know and that makes the prospect of a recurrence all the more excruciating.

So, I approach these scans with anxiety, logic, dread, hope, and lots of prayer.  I tend to beat myself up over the anxiety and dread parts.  After all, I have made it this far, although statistics lead us to believe I wouldn’t.  I also feel like somewhat of a fraud because I started a blog called Hopeful Survivor.  I am hopeful, just not every second of every day.  So, I write this in the spirit of authenticity and with the hope that it encourages others who are afraid of what the future might hold.  Hope is a powerful emotion and one that is crucial for creating a life worth living.  As I approach this week’s scans and the results of those scans, I acknowledge my emotions.  I honor what I am feeling.  And I move forward with hope.  Prayers and positive energy gratefully accepted.