Tag: choice

And they thought it wasn’t possible

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“They” thought it wasn’t possible or at least it was highly unlikely.  I recently got home from my ten-year bone cancer scans and I remain cancer-free!  Okay, no one has ever said that, they say “no evidence of disease,” but I’ll take it.  And although my surgeon told me at the end of the appointment that he would see me in a year (as he has every year recently, before it was much more frequent), his after-visit summary posted online said so much more.  More on that a little later.

My bone cancer was a very rare and very aggressive sarcoma and the prognosis was not favorable.  You can find all the details in earlier blog posts.  So, each year that passed without a recurrence was both wonderful and remarkable.  Every visit to my surgeon for monitoring scans caused so much stress and anxiety and I often wondered how many years follow-up was necessary and responsible.  After about seven years, when I would ask my surgeon at each appointment (I suppose I was hoping the answer might someday change), he would respond that I had good insurance, so why not?  I would think “Why not?  Because each and every time I have to visit with you my PTSD kicks in with full force.”  I discussed this topic many times with my counselor.  He would always say I would know when/if the time was right to stop these appointments.  My intuition would let me know.  My intuition and I are not on as good terms as I would like.  I spent the first many years of my life living completely in my left brain.  There was no room for “feelings” and especially no room for listening to them if I had them.  Heading into each appointment I would pray that if I was to determine I was followed long enough I would be given some sort of confirmation.  Let me clarify something here.  I was not trying to stop monitoring my cancer status one second before I responsibly should, but I also didn’t want to keep putting myself through this solely out of fear.  So, I asked again this visit and his response was “why, do YOU want to stop monitoring this because it IS always your call, but your insurance will cover it?”  That may sound like a benign response, but my surgeon (in my opinion), although brilliant in the operating room, is very passive aggressive in person.  I’ve heard people refer to it (in relation to him) as “a God complex.”  That comment was very much said as if he did not recommend it, but if I wanted to override his recommendation he couldn’t stop me.  I made another appointment for next year on my way out.

This is why I was so surprised and excited when I read his after-visit summary.  He would never say anything the least bit encouraging during an appointment and was even more careful to not put anything remotely encouraging in writing.  But there it was.  Under the heading of “Plan” it said “At this point, it has been 10 years.  Chance of recurrence is very low, but not 0.  Her options are to follow-up as needed or we see the patient back here for routine oncology surveillance follow-up in 12 months with appropriate imaging studies as ordered.”  No doctor can ever tell anyone their chance of cancer is zero, but for him to put in writing that my chance of recurrence is very low and to offer the option of following up as needed going forward felt like exactly what I had been asking both my intuition and God for.  So, I canceled my 11-year follow-up appointment.  I won’t hesitate to schedule an appointment, if there is any question about something, but I really feel that was the confirmation I was requesting.

My Undifferentiated Pleomorphic Sarcoma bone cancer was so aggressive it doubled in size between the initial find and final diagnosis three months later.  Many of my other doctors have expressed their opinion that if any of this cancer was still remaining in my body it would have shown itself by now, but my surgeon never said anything like this even when I would ask him point blank.  So, his note spoke volumes to me.  I am reminded of my initial prognosis all those years ago and the bleak odds even though I did surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation.  There was no one in the medical field that I spoke with who really thought I’d be here ten years later.  But my family and I decided to take it one day at a time and never give up hope.  To my doctors I say thank you, to my family and friends I say thank you, but most importantly to God I say thank you.  I do not have my head in the sand, I am well aware there are no guarantees in life.  I will continue my ongoing scans/appointments for my more recent breast cancer diagnosis, but for now I am going to live each day choosing to believe I am healthy (even on the days my fear creeps back in).  When I reflect on my initial prognosis and if any other health concerns arise in my future, I will try to never forget something I have attempted to remember every step of my journey (some times more successfully than others).  People may count you out in this life, BUT GOD…

 

Seeing others through the lens of your heart

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Last week I found myself sitting in the waiting room of a breast imaging office.  It had been one year since my surprise breast cancer diagnosis and I was back for my annual scans.  In the past year I have undergone surgery, radiation, and the necessary follow-ups, but this was the first time they were specifically looking for any new developments.  To say I was anxious was an understatement.

As I was waiting to hear my name called by the Radiation Tech I noticed a woman, sitting a few seats away, with tears in her eyes.  I recognized the look of fear and uncertainty, as I am sure I have had a similar look many times over the last few years.  My heart immediately went out to her and I said “These scans can be really scary, can’t they?”  She began to cry and went on to explain she had recently noticed a lump, had a mammogram, and was referred to a breast surgeon.  She had seen the surgeon this morning and was now waiting to be called back for her biopsy.  As she continued, she expressed fear that it was cancer (as breast cancer ran in her family), she didn’t know if the surgeon she was referred to was a good one, and that this time of year was such an awful time for all this to be happening.  I was immediately drawn back to last year when I was experiencing the exact same emotions and concerns.

I asked her who the surgeon was that she had just met and the name she mentioned was my surgeon.  He was wonderful!  So compassionate, caring, willing to take whatever time you needed, and so knowledgeable and experienced in his field.  I immediately told her what great hands she was in and shared my very positive experience with him.  I also shared that I knew exactly what she was going through, as I was sitting where she now is just one year ago.  She asked me many questions about my diagnosis and subsequent treatments and seemed a little less fearful and alone.  I was never so thankful for an appointment running behind before and knew God had placed me in that exact seat, at that exact time, for just this reason.  We exchanged names and I told her I would be praying for her in the coming weeks.  She began to cry again, but this time from a place of some relief and a feeling of being heard and understood.

Just a few short years ago I don’t think I would have noticed a woman, emotionally distraught, sitting in a waiting room with me.  If I had I am not sure I would have engaged, as I wouldn’t have had any idea what I should say.  But that day I was there, present and willing to connect with another human being in need.  I was willing to see with my heart and not just my eyes.

I was called back just a few minutes later and prayed for her as I changed for my scans.  The wonderful news is my scans were clear and the surgeon doesn’t feel I need to be scanned again for another year.  I am so thankful, but am also very aware that it doesn’t always go that way.  My mammogram friend has been so on my mind and in my heart over the last week.  I will continue to pray for her as she awaits her pathology results and makes any necessary decisions over the next few weeks and months.  And I continue to be grateful that I was there that day and was able to see someone in pain instead of just being lost in my own fear over the tests of the day.

As this holiday season fast approaches, let’s all look for ways to see others through our hearts and not just with our eyes.  There are so many hurting people all around us who need our smile, kind glance, or willing ear.  Be on the lookout for opportunities to be for others what we sometimes need others to be for us.  Wishing each of you a peace that passes all understanding during this holiday season.

 

Just Ask Him

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Last night I found myself watching one of my husband’s favorite television shows with him, “Star Trek: The Next Generation.”  The episode we watched involved a god-like entity that controlled the destiny of a planet they visited.  One of their crew members unknowingly violated a law on that planet and was sentenced to death.  Captain Picard was wrestling with the decision of whether to let that one crew member be killed and leaving the planet with no additional casualties or forcefully removing him (saving his life) and risking that the god-like entity might destroy the entire Enterprise and its crew.  I found myself yelling at the tv “why don’t you just ask him?!?”  I wasn’t sure the entity would answer, but he didn’t even ask.  Picard was instead trying to guess what logic and thought process the entity would employ.  After much stress and unnecessary energy spent, he removed the crew member from the planet and waited.  The entity did not react.  Picard was then trying to determine his next course of action and decided to (finally!) ask the entity if he would allow it.  The entity immediately responded.  How many times in our lives do we spend so much unnecessary energy on situations that could be resolved if we just asked the question?

The questions differ, but the idea remains the same.  You are struggling trying to handle all that life is throwing at you that day.  You can’t understand why your spouse who “claims” to love you, doesn’t jump in and help you.  Did you ask?  Do they even know you’re struggling (you are looking like a superwoman on the outside)?

You feel that there is a strain in your relationship with your best friend.  You are “sure” you must have done something that offended her and you wrack your brain reviewing all your interactions over the last week, trying to figure out what it was.  You concoct an elaborate story in your mind of what you said and how she interpreted it incorrectly, but do you ask her?  Maybe she’s dealing with something totally unrelated that is causing her stress and she could really use your help, but she doesn’t ask either.  So now you are both struggling when it could be eased by just asking for some support.

As I was lying in bed last night and reviewing how my husband thinks Captain Picard is the best Enterprise captain because he is so smart and controlled (yes, I was actually thinking about this in bed last night) and thinking he actually wasn’t that smart because he could have caused himself so much less grief if he had just asked, I was caught up short.  How many times have I done the exact same thing?  How many times could I have spared myself anxiety, upset, and stress if I had just asked for what I wanted?  I reviewed my current struggles to determine if anything came to mind where I should ask.  My thoughts were immediately drawn to the constant pain I have in my feet and legs because of my chemo induced peripheral neuropathy.  I try to keep a positive attitude about my nerves’ ability to heal (even though the Neurologist specializing in neuropathy in our area told me seven years ago that it would NEVER get any better).  I eat a healthy, whole food plant based, organic diet and work on my mental and emotional health regularly, but am still in chronic pain.  God knows all I’ve been through over the last eight years.  He knows how I want so badly for my nerves to heal.  But how often do I actually ask Him to heal them?  I sometimes slip it into my other prayers, but how often do I set aside some time just to pour my heart out to Him on this one topic?  Not often enough.

What areas in your life would benefit from you just asking for what you need?  Just asking for what you want?  Just asking for your heart’s deepest desire?  I’m not saying all your problems will magically disappear when you do, but it might be worth finding out.  Like Captain Picard, you will never know until you try.  Just ask!

 

Don’t let what you don’t know get ahead of what you do know

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Words to live by!  These are the words shared by a friend of ours whose daughter has been recently diagnosed with leukemia.  They are words she is holding on to daily.  And they are words we would all do well to embrace.  Unfortunately, life has a way of giving us many situations during our lives where, if we look too far in the future, we are totally overwhelmed. Your mind starts sprinting (or hopping) down every bunny trail it encounters.  What if this happens?  What if we receive this news?  What if we are told this is the next step?  What if we aren’t given a next step?  What if…?

I am as guilty of this as any one of you, but where does it get us?  Scared, paralyzed, unable to make reasonable decisions, unable to sleep.  Not a place that any of us want to find ourselves.

I am reminded of a conversation I had many years ago.  I was in the middle of a really contentious divorce that I saw no end to, was looking for a job (because of the divorce), had just moved from my home of 14 years (again, because of the divorce), and my father was dying and had asked that my sister and I help him die at home.  So, I was trying to handle all that was going on back home in Pennsylvania and staying for weeks at a time in New York, facing the daily stresses of losing a parent needing 24-hour care.  One of my parents’ pastors came to the house to visit with my dad and took the time out to talk to me about how all this was impacting me. I explained how totally overwhelmed I felt.  How I couldn’t see a way to handle all the things I saw on my horizon (both physically and emotionally).  He shared something I will never forget.

As background here, this man was dealing with his own scary unknown.  His son had been diagnosed with a disease that had no cure.  They knew exactly how he would die, the steps the disease would progress through, and what tomorrow would mean.  Yet they were functioning and seemingly thriving.  I asked how. And this is what he said.

We cling to a verse in the Bible: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. (Lamentations 3:22-23)

He went on to explain that God provides the mercies we need every morning for that day and that day alone.  If we try to live further in the future than that, we don’t have God’s mercies for that situation yet.  At first I thought, that’s easier said than done, and then I remembered what he was facing. If that was how he made it through the day, then it was worth trying.

So, when you face situations you just don’t know how you can handle, remember these ideas:

  • Don’t dream up worst case scenarios and run down every possible bunny trail. Don’t let what you don’t know get ahead of what you do know.  Put one foot in front of the other and deal with only what is right in front of you right now.
  • Remember that God will provide you the mercies you need today for today. And He will provide you the mercies you need tomorrow for tomorrow.  Try to live in today’s mercies.  Accept them, thank Him, and once again put one foot in front of the other.

 

Every day is a gift

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Not every day feels like a gift.  There are days where the to-do list runneth over, the kids are particularly wild, your significant other is getting on your last raw nerve, or you don’t have a significant other (although you have been praying for one FOREVER).  Or maybe your “doesn’t feel like a gift” focuses more on physical problems.  I have severe chemo induced peripheral neuropathy in my legs and feet, which causes daily, chronic pain even six plus years after treatment.  My pelvic bone (which was resected and now has very sharp edges) and surrounding tissues ache or hurt often.  My energy levels have never returned.  These issues seem to chant in my ears, “you call this is a gift?”

YES!  I am still alive!  Others are not that fortunate.  That was brought home so clearly last month when I learned a dear high school friend woke up one Sunday morning and thought it was a day like any other.  It was not.  He had a stroke and never got to kiss his sweet wife good night, as she went to bed that night in a bed that would never be the same.  Another high school friend, who has always lived a healthy and active life, suffered a heart attack last week while working out at the gym. Thankfully he survived, but not before having a stent placed in a totally clogged artery.  You see, every day that you wake up is a gift.

There is always something to be grateful for, even in the worst of days.  Sometimes you just have to look a little harder.  Do you have a friend you can call when you just need to talk?  Is the sun shining?  Is there a roof over your head?  Is your water safe to drink?  Is your heart still beating?  We all have so many things to be grateful for.  So, if today doesn’t feel like the gift you wish you were opening, look for three things you can be grateful for.  Just three.  It doesn’t matter how big or how small.  Come up with three.  And then really feel the gratitude.  Feel it in your heart and in your soul and say thank you.  Every day is truly a gift, even if it is wrapped a little differently than you might wish.  There are so many others who no longer have the chance to unwrap a new tomorrow.  As long as you are still breathing, there are reasons for gratitude and hope (and you all know how much I like hope).

 

You may not always feel thankful during the holidays

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It was six years ago and I was in the middle of 18 weeks of really tough chemotherapy.  Earlier that year I had reconnected with my first love and the love of my life.  I thought my happy ending was finally falling into place. And then, two months after getting engaged, I was diagnosed with a very rare form of bone cancer (Undifferentiated Pleomorphic Sarcoma).  The prognosis wasn’t very promising.  So after hurriedly scheduled surgery (a pelvic resection), the chemotherapy began. My hair began falling out the day after Thanksgiving, so I wasn’t feeling particularly thankful about that. By Christmas I was barely able to keep food down and got out of bed mainly for the numerous doctor’s appointments on my otherwise bare calendar.  As my friends were shopping for gifts, decorating their homes, and attending numerous holiday parties, I was lying in bed, trying to make it through another day.

Yet, during that time, there were many special Christmas memories forming.  I was unable to handle many smells, so my fiancé borrowed an artificial tree and decorated it as a surprise for me.  After he finished, he helped me downstairs to see his handiwork.  I was so grateful.  On Christmas Eve, he joined me on my hospital bed and we tracked Santa on the NORAD website until long after midnight, and then he kissed me a Merry Christmas.  He wanted to make sure I made as many Christmas memories as my health would allow.

I was not feeling at all thankful for the cancer or chemotherapy fallout, but I could give thanks for the special memories my wonderful fiancé created for me.  It was then I realized the huge difference between feeling thankful and giving thanks.  Joni Eareckson Tada describes these thoughts perfectly.

As a matter of fact, God isn’t asking you to be thankful. He’s asking you to give thanks. There’s a big difference. One response involves emotions, the other your choices, your decisions about a situation, your intent, your step of faith.

So, as you move through this holiday season, even if it is not everything you hoped it would be, remember to Give Thanks.  Notice that smile on a stranger’s face, the door held for you as you enter a building, the kind word from a friend, the helping hand extended by your family member.  The more examples you notice this holiday season the more likely you are to look back on this Christmas six years from now and realize that giving thanks, for the small and not so small things, creates some of your fondest Christmas memories.

 

Let go of worry

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Are you someone who can take life as it comes, ride any wave that comes your way with ease, shrug off life’s uncertainties? No, me neither.  I tend to think everything to death, chase down every bunny trail, and try to plan for whatever may come.  That leads to a lot of worry.  What could happen next, how would we handle it, am I prepared?  That tendency became reinforced during my cancer battle. After all, I was fighting for my life.  I had to anticipate any and all things that may kill me, right?  Living like that is no fun, nor is it really living.  Every day is such a blessing.  So many others will not have that opportunity.

I have been following two sweet little children who are fighting different types of childhood cancer.  They were both diagnosed at age two.  Numerous surgeries and rounds of chemotherapy later, both of them had relapses and one has passed.  The other seems to be out of options, as it has metastasized to his lungs and bones. It just doesn’t seem fair!  Their lives were just beginning.

So, in a world where so many unthinkable things happen on a daily basis, how can you worry less?  I am not unrealistic enough to think we would not worry at all, but that is definitely my goal.  One of my favorite quotes by Corrie tenBoom, a Nazi concentration camp survivor, says

Worrying is carrying tomorrow’s load with today’s strength–carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn’t empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.

What wise words, from someone who had every reason to worry.  Few of us will ever experience the level of emotional and physical distress that she did, and yet God gave her a spirit of peace in the midst of it.  I think that’s the lesson for me.  Life will provide many opportunities for worry, but God has promised to never leave us during those times.  He never promised we wouldn’t have to walk through them or that it would be easy, but He promised we wouldn’t have to do it alone.  In that promise is great hope.  Let’s face it, today needs all the strength it can get, so let’s send worry packing!

 

Do you want to live?

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No one actually asked me that and yet it is critically important to know the answer.  I think most of us would instinctually respond with a yes, but do you really want to live?  Life is hard.  Marriages are tough or fail.  Jobs are stressful or are lost.  Kids can be heart breaking.  Depression is real.  Treatment is sometimes more than a person can bear.  Given all that, do you really want to live?

Why?  It is just as important to answer that question.  Do you have a reason or reasons to live?  Not just because it is expected of you, but do you have a purpose or goal?  Are you clear on it?  Do you visualize yourself at your child’s graduation?  Can you see your daughter walking down the aisle?  Can you feel your grandson in your arms?  Do you see your life on the other side of your diagnosis? If not, I repeat, do you want to live?  It is critically important that you be crystal clear on your “Why.”

When I was diagnosed I had just finalized a contentious 3+ year divorce.  During that time, I was not working (I had stopped while still married), it was during the 2007/2008 high unemployment period and I wasn’t finding any opportunities no matter how hard I tried, money concerns were ever present, I moved 3 times in 6 months, my father got pneumonia and died, and my responsibilities for my ailing mother greatly increased.  Prior to my divorce I was in a 14 year abusive marriage.  Add all that up and you can see why my immune system was unable to stay on top of any rogue cancer cell formations.  So, did I really want to live?

My answer was a resounding YES!  As I have previously shared, my first love and I had just recently reconnected.  We were so thankful to have found each other again after 35 years apart. We were making plans and dreaming dreams.  Life and love were finally real parts of our lives.  More than ever before, I wanted to live.  Do I think that had much of an impact on my survival?  Absolutely!  That and God.  It was not a coincidence that we had found each other again after all that time.  That didn’t mean it was easy, it was not.  Many people thought I wouldn’t survive the cancer, no less the treatment, but I did.  And I’m still here.

I encourage each and every one of you to get crystal clear on your “Why.”  Whether you are facing a health crisis or any other type of crisis, knowing your “Why” could save your life.  So, when life gets hard, and it will get hard, ask yourself if you want to live and then get clear on your “Whys.”  Those answers could make all the difference.

 

Health is a balancing act

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I used to think of health as how my body felt physically.  If I didn’t have the sniffles, a headache, joint pain, or (God forbid) a chronic disease, I was healthy.  These last few years have taught me that health is so much more than that.  True health is comprised of many different factors.  The other day I was listening to a TED talk by Dr. Lissa Rankin, where she was discussing something called “The Whole Health Cairn Model.”  She explained that to be truly healthy numerous areas of your life must be in balance and that your physical health was like the top rock in a rock cairn.  If those other areas are not shored up, your health could not rest securely in its place.

So, what are those areas?  It begins with your inner pilot light.  That still, small voice in the deepest part of your being.  Some call it your gut or intuition.  If you aren’t taking the time to be still and listen to what your intuition knows better than your thinking brain ever could, you are missing the foundation of true health.  In a world of constant noise, rushing, and data overload it is tough to find that time to be still, but if you don’t make that time you will miss out on all that your life can be.  Then there are the many other areas that make up your life: relationships, work/life purpose, spirituality, creativity, sexuality, environment, money, and mental health.  All of those areas contribute to the state of your physical health.  If any of them are out of balance (and who doesn’t have one or more of them out of balance at any given time?), your physical health is at risk. That really got me thinking about my ongoing quest for what I think of as good health.  I spend so much effort on what I eat, the supplements I take, the positive affirmations I state, the alternative treatments I pursue, but do I put that same level of effort into my creativity or life purpose?

She went on to discuss the importance of including some type of love, activities that bring you pleasure, acts of service to others, and gratitude for all you have already been given into your life to support your whole health cairn. This all seems like a lot to juggle, but I took away from her talk that whole health is so much more than what I thought of as health.  That life is made up of so many different areas and they all contribute to or take away from our whole health.  And then she said something that made me stop and back up her talk to hear it again.

When life falls apart you either grow or you grow a tumor.

What!?!? I don’t know about you, but that caught me up short.  All of the periods in my life where areas in my health cairn were falling apart, I had a choice.  I could resist, hunker down, and try desperately to hang onto to how things were, or I could surrender to something greater than myself and grow.  Given the fact that I grew a tumor, I think you know which one I usually chose.  So now that I know better I will try to do better.  In those “falling apart” times I will now try to choose surrender and growth. How is your whole health cairn doing? Is it strong and balanced or is it leaning or in a pile?  Pay some attention to what areas are weakest and shore them up.  Grow from the hardest things you are facing today.  Learn from my mistakes.  Whole health is precious and definitely worth the work!

 

Thoughts can change biology

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Have you ever noticed that thinking a certain thought can change your day? You wake up and, for a brief moment, may forget that diagnosis.  Or maybe you forget that your marriage is over or your job has been eliminated. And then it all comes rushing back and you start to feel nauseous and shaky.  Your head starts throbbing and your palms start sweating.  Your thoughts have directly impacted your biology. Study after study is now proving the idea that you can think yourself sick, as well as well.  You can change your gene expression by assuming a positive or negative attitude about your circumstances.  If that is true, why don’t doctors encourage each and every patient to practice positive visualization?  It costs nothing, has no associated risks, and could greatly improve a prognosis.

I once heard a speaker say, “The day I got my diagnosis I died to who I was. But I haven’t yet been reborn to who I am going to become.”  She had a sense of continuity even in the way that she spoke.  She was telling a story that told me this woman expects to live. What we believe and tell our minds can greatly impact our cellular biology.  Expect a positive outcome.  Think about a positive outcome (in great detail).  Dream of your life with this positive outcome.  I’m not talking about becoming a Pollyanna, I’m talking about really seeing your life healthy and whole (or at least as I say, “remarkably better”).  Feel the feelings associated with that reality.  Your brain can’t tell the difference between what has already happened and what you have imagined and felt if you picture it with enough detail and emotion.  It’s not easy, especially when you are so sick or scared, but it is a skill to be practiced.  It gets easier the more consistently you practice it.  What have you got to lose?  Time is going to pass either way.  You can sit back and wait for healing or improvement or you can imagine it. You can picture it in all its luscious, joyful, hopeful detail.  See yourself able to do and experience all the things you have only dreamed of.  At the very least you will notice improvements in your emotions and hope.  At most you will notice miraculous improvements to your life.  Let’s give it a try together!