Tag: Grace

Don’t let what you don’t know get ahead of what you do know

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Words to live by!  These are the words shared by a friend of ours whose daughter has been recently diagnosed with leukemia.  They are words she is holding on to daily.  And they are words we would all do well to embrace.  Unfortunately, life has a way of giving us many situations during our lives where, if we look too far in the future, we are totally overwhelmed. Your mind starts sprinting (or hopping) down every bunny trail it encounters.  What if this happens?  What if we receive this news?  What if we are told this is the next step?  What if we aren’t given a next step?  What if…?

I am as guilty of this as any one of you, but where does it get us?  Scared, paralyzed, unable to make reasonable decisions, unable to sleep.  Not a place that any of us want to find ourselves.

I am reminded of a conversation I had many years ago.  I was in the middle of a really contentious divorce that I saw no end to, was looking for a job (because of the divorce), had just moved from my home of 14 years (again, because of the divorce), and my father was dying and had asked that my sister and I help him die at home.  So, I was trying to handle all that was going on back home in Pennsylvania and staying for weeks at a time in New York, facing the daily stresses of losing a parent needing 24-hour care.  One of my parents’ pastors came to the house to visit with my dad and took the time out to talk to me about how all this was impacting me. I explained how totally overwhelmed I felt.  How I couldn’t see a way to handle all the things I saw on my horizon (both physically and emotionally).  He shared something I will never forget.

As background here, this man was dealing with his own scary unknown.  His son had been diagnosed with a disease that had no cure.  They knew exactly how he would die, the steps the disease would progress through, and what tomorrow would mean.  Yet they were functioning and seemingly thriving.  I asked how. And this is what he said.

We cling to a verse in the Bible: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. (Lamentations 3:22-23)

He went on to explain that God provides the mercies we need every morning for that day and that day alone.  If we try to live further in the future than that, we don’t have God’s mercies for that situation yet.  At first I thought, that’s easier said than done, and then I remembered what he was facing. If that was how he made it through the day, then it was worth trying.

So, when you face situations you just don’t know how you can handle, remember these ideas:

  • Don’t dream up worst case scenarios and run down every possible bunny trail. Don’t let what you don’t know get ahead of what you do know.  Put one foot in front of the other and deal with only what is right in front of you right now.
  • Remember that God will provide you the mercies you need today for today. And He will provide you the mercies you need tomorrow for tomorrow.  Try to live in today’s mercies.  Accept them, thank Him, and once again put one foot in front of the other.

 

Counseling Rocks!!!

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I don’t know about you, but I wasn’t raised in a family that encouraged counseling.  We were taught to be strong and self-sufficient.  Fear and failure were signs of weakness.  And most of all, we should take our struggles to God, not man. Now taking your struggles to God is a wonderful idea, but people sometimes also need trained counselors to deal with their issues (at least I do).  It took many years to arrive at this realization, but I am so glad arrive I did. The last three years have been a wonderful, painful, emotionally bare, learning time that I am so grateful for.  But all good things must come to an end.  My perfect counselor (perfect for me) retired at the end of April.  I didn’t see that coming.  I think I needed counseling to deal with the loss of my counselor, but alas, my counselor was retiring.  Now what do I do?

After many tears with both my counselor and husband, my husband uttered these wonderful words…

This chapter is ending, but the next chapter is only a page away.  You only have to turn the page.

So, turn the page I will.  Part of that page turning involves looking back on the many lessons I have learned during those years.  One of those lessons was the importance of listening to that still, small, God-given voice deep down inside.  My upbringing valued left brain, logical, fact-based decision making.  My career in finance and project management reinforced those values.  But when life deals you those unexpected, “never thought it would happen to me” cards, cards that can’t be reasoned or “logic’d” out, you have to open yourself to something more.  Without that possibility, life feels unmanageable.  So, I try to listen more.  I try to “feel” more.  I try to step out of that “only left brained” mentality and consider other possibilities. I try to live in the moment, instead of the past and future (this is still a major work in progress).  All of this is new to me, but I believe it is critically important for my well-being.

Another important lesson has to do with loving my inner child.  We all have past hurts that impact our decisions and reactions to this day. Hurts that may cause us to treat ourselves and others in a way that is less than ideal.  Hurts that have led us to some unhealthy coping mechanisms that have carried into our adult lives.  Our adult self needs to love that small child, thank them for all they did to get us to this point, and assure them that you can take it from here.  We are much better equipped to handle the situations we find ourselves in than that young, wounded child anyway.  Identifying this is the first step in healing that inner child in all of us.

I was recently reading the “Best Self Newsletter” and I came across this statement by Kristen Noel which says it better than I could…

Your Inner Child may have learned coping mechanisms that saved your life as a child, but those coping behaviors don’t have to rule your life as an adult.  Grace is found in moments of silence when you take the hand of your fearful inner child and you whisper, ‘Thank you. You’ve done an awesome job getting me here. I honor the bumps in the road that you have endured, but I’ve got this now. You needn’t be fearful anymore.’

Those are only two lessons I take away from the last three years of counseling.  There are far too many to count, but I can tell you that I am forever changed. So, if you need someone to talk to, go find a counselor that is your perfect fit.  Interview a bunch, if you need to (I kissed a few frogs before I found my Prince Charming).  Don’t settle for just anyone.  This relationship may be one of the most important relationships you will ever have.  You didn’t marry the first guy you ever dated, did you (maybe you did and you’re blissfully happy, but you get where I’m coming from)?  And I leave you with one more quote.  This time from my all-time favorite musical, “Wicked.”  It is for you, Mark, if you are reading this…

I’ve heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn.  And we are led to those who help us most to grow, if we let them.  And we help them in return.  Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true, but I know I’m who I am today because I knew you.  I do believe I have been changed for the better.  Because I knew you… because I knew you… I have been changed for good.

 

You may not always feel thankful during the holidays

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It was six years ago and I was in the middle of 18 weeks of really tough chemotherapy.  Earlier that year I had reconnected with my first love and the love of my life.  I thought my happy ending was finally falling into place. And then, two months after getting engaged, I was diagnosed with a very rare form of bone cancer (Undifferentiated Pleomorphic Sarcoma).  The prognosis wasn’t very promising.  So after hurriedly scheduled surgery (a pelvic resection), the chemotherapy began. My hair began falling out the day after Thanksgiving, so I wasn’t feeling particularly thankful about that. By Christmas I was barely able to keep food down and got out of bed mainly for the numerous doctor’s appointments on my otherwise bare calendar.  As my friends were shopping for gifts, decorating their homes, and attending numerous holiday parties, I was lying in bed, trying to make it through another day.

Yet, during that time, there were many special Christmas memories forming.  I was unable to handle many smells, so my fiancé borrowed an artificial tree and decorated it as a surprise for me.  After he finished, he helped me downstairs to see his handiwork.  I was so grateful.  On Christmas Eve, he joined me on my hospital bed and we tracked Santa on the NORAD website until long after midnight, and then he kissed me a Merry Christmas.  He wanted to make sure I made as many Christmas memories as my health would allow.

I was not feeling at all thankful for the cancer or chemotherapy fallout, but I could give thanks for the special memories my wonderful fiancé created for me.  It was then I realized the huge difference between feeling thankful and giving thanks.  Joni Eareckson Tada describes these thoughts perfectly.

As a matter of fact, God isn’t asking you to be thankful. He’s asking you to give thanks. There’s a big difference. One response involves emotions, the other your choices, your decisions about a situation, your intent, your step of faith.

So, as you move through this holiday season, even if it is not everything you hoped it would be, remember to Give Thanks.  Notice that smile on a stranger’s face, the door held for you as you enter a building, the kind word from a friend, the helping hand extended by your family member.  The more examples you notice this holiday season the more likely you are to look back on this Christmas six years from now and realize that giving thanks, for the small and not so small things, creates some of your fondest Christmas memories.

 

For the foreseeable future

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How long, exactly, is that?  According to my Orthopedic Oncological Surgeon, it is how long I have to go back to being scanned every 3 months.  As you may remember, last October were my 5-year scans. That was the appointment I was to move from 6 month to annual scans.  I was so looking forward to living in larger increments between “those” doctor’s appointments.  And then they thought they saw something and that led to a bone biopsy.  The great news is it did not show a return of the cancer! The not totally great news is it wasn’t definitive.  So now I return to 3-month scans “for the foreseeable future.”

I don’t know about you, but I don’t do well with open ended vagueness.  I want to know who, what, where, when, why, and how.  In the uncertain world of cancer, it almost never works out that way.   That’s where trust comes in.  Trust in your doctors, trust in your body (sometimes hard when you may feel it has let you down in the past), trust in what your gut is telling you, and trust in God and His plan for your life.  So, as I head into my next 3-month scans this coming week (prayers gratefully appreciated), I will choose to trust this journey will continue to work out for my best.  And that my foreseeable future will be nothing but bright.  I know it will be easier said than done, but I will choose it and then choose it again.  After all, the power to choose how we will view anything that happens in our lives is ours and ours alone.  So, let’s all choose to remain positive and enjoy each day that we are graciously given.  That’s a hopeful choice I can get behind.

 

Be Still and Know

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That’s a tough one for me.  You might wonder which part and my answer is “both.”  Let’s start with “Be Still.”  In this world, how is it possible to be still?  With the constant bombardment of 24/7 news, the ability to be connected anytime and anywhere, cell phones, emails, texts, Facebook, 100s of tv channels to choose from, the internet, and seemingly endless to-do lists, how can we possibly be still?  And then add in being raised in a household where accomplishments and “doing” were valued much more than simply “being,” coupled with my type A, driven personality type and it is a recipe for anything but stillness.  What if someone saw me being still and thought I was lazy?  What value would I bring to this world if I wasn’t accomplishing something?  Who am I if I am not defined by what I do?

Then there is the “and Know.”  Where do I begin with that one?  How do we ever really know?  We can evaluate as many pieces of data as we can gather and try to assemble some level of knowing, but can we ever truly know?  Growing up I remember being told to not be ruled by my emotions.  Decisions were to be made using my logical brain and were to be based on facts.  Gut instincts were devalued or ignored completely.  I learned at an early age that what you thought out was much more accurate than what you felt.  So back to my original question, how do you know?

The last 5 years have been a master’s level course in the importance of being still and knowing.  When you are faced with life and death situations, chronic pain, fear, and uncertainties you are forced to face the importance of finding some time and space to just be still.  Turn off the electronics, phone, tv, anything that keeps you frantically busy and just be still. I find it much easier when I remove myself from my day to day environment.  It seems that there are always too many things to keep my mind racing when I’m at home.  Sometimes that’s taking a drive, going for a walk (not that easy anymore with the neuropathy), or taking a much-needed vacation.  Whatever allows my mind to disengage.  I think that’s what’s really important.  When you can get out of your head, you can begin to be.  Intuition, a concept I never believed in until recently, can begin to surface.  That’s where true knowing comes in.  I am only beginning to experience intuition and it is thrilling each and every time I actually feel/sense it. People see intuition as coming from many different sources; God, the universe, our gut.  I don’t think it really matters what you call its source, I think it’s more important that you learn to feel/sense it.  When you feel your intuition deep inside there is a level of knowing that facts and figures can never provide.  So, my recommendation is to find a place where you can truly be still and go inside yourself.  Ask what you are to know today, and just listen.  Sometimes the answer is a feeling, an image, or a sense, but often there will be some sort of answer, if we are still.  I am just beginning this knowing journey, but it is so much more real and certain than any of my left brain, fact-based journey to this point. Give it a try.  Take a walk on a beach, sit by a mountain stream, visit a park and practice just being.  You may be pleasantly surprised by what you find.

 

Progress, not perfection

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That’s a tough one for me.  You see, if I get 99% on the test of life, I will skim over that accomplishment and focus on the 1% I got wrong.  I know perfection is an elusive concept, but it doesn’t stop me from always trying to attain it.  That is where I find myself right now.  I have recently reached 2 big milestones, but I am spending my time and energy focused on how much further I have yet to go.  Do any of you do the same thing, or is it just me?  For your sake, I hope it’s just me.

As I mentioned in early blog posts, I broke my wrist in December and had to have follow-up bone cancer scans in January (from my biopsy scare in October).  The great news is my cast is off and my follow-up scans came back clear!!  Instead of savoring that news, I am now focusing on how far I have to go to get back strength and range of motion in my stiff and achy wrist and the fact that my cancer doctor wants to do yet another complete set of follow-up cancer scans in 3 more months, to be sure I am indeed all clear.  Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled my cast is finally off and I am even more thrilled my January scans came back clear!!  Why can’t I just rest there for a while?  Instead, I’m on to the next thing that must be accomplished and must be accomplished right now.  Would I treat a friend this way?  Is that advice I would offer to a loved one?  No!  If a friend came to me with this perfectionistic attitude, I would tell her she should be so proud of all she’s already done and that trying to be perfect is not something to strive for, unless never succeeding is her top priority.  She needs to remember that that same strength that has gotten her this far will continue to carry her through all she has yet to complete.  That sounds like pretty good advice, doesn’t it?  Maybe I will try viewing myself through the eyes I use for those I love.  After all, shouldn’t we be kind to and love ourselves?  If perfection is something you struggle with, maybe you should give that perspective a try too.  Let’s all agree to begin viewing ourselves through a lens of grace.  Ahh, I feel lighter already.