Tag: prayer

For the foreseeable future

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How long, exactly, is that?  According to my Orthopedic Oncological Surgeon, it is how long I have to go back to being scanned every 3 months.  As you may remember, last October were my 5-year scans. That was the appointment I was to move from 6 month to annual scans.  I was so looking forward to living in larger increments between “those” doctor’s appointments.  And then they thought they saw something and that led to a bone biopsy.  The great news is it did not show a return of the cancer! The not totally great news is it wasn’t definitive.  So now I return to 3-month scans “for the foreseeable future.”

I don’t know about you, but I don’t do well with open ended vagueness.  I want to know who, what, where, when, why, and how.  In the uncertain world of cancer, it almost never works out that way.   That’s where trust comes in.  Trust in your doctors, trust in your body (sometimes hard when you may feel it has let you down in the past), trust in what your gut is telling you, and trust in God and His plan for your life.  So, as I head into my next 3-month scans this coming week (prayers gratefully appreciated), I will choose to trust this journey will continue to work out for my best.  And that my foreseeable future will be nothing but bright.  I know it will be easier said than done, but I will choose it and then choose it again.  After all, the power to choose how we will view anything that happens in our lives is ours and ours alone.  So, let’s all choose to remain positive and enjoy each day that we are graciously given.  That’s a hopeful choice I can get behind.

 

Sometimes a test is just a test

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When I was in school I never minded tests.  I actually looked forward to them.  I was one of those people who thrived under pressure and rose to the occasion.  Not that I didn’t do my part.  I attended all the classes, read the course material, completed the homework assignments, performed the lab work, and studied for the exams.  I did my part and I welcomed the opportunity to demonstrate that fact to my teachers (and myself).  I didn’t sit around worrying that the test would reveal that I was a failure, that I hadn’t done enough, that I was dumb or somehow unable to complete the coursework set before me.  I saw it as a chance to learn the lesson, demonstrate my comprehension, and move on to new material.  When did a test become more than a test?

As many of you may be aware, back in October I had my 5 year bone cancer scans and the MRI showed there may be something abnormal.  That sent me into a tailspin and led to many sleepless nights and a pelvis biopsy.  When the biopsy results came back clear the doctor seemed relieved (nothing compared to how I felt), but wanted to see me back in 3 months (end of January) to do another complete set of scans to be sure. I have been pretty stressed about this upcoming set of tests and then it occurred to me, it’s just a test.  I have done my part to prepare for these tests.  I have changed my diet, worked with a counselor on less than healthy emotional and stress patterns, read all sorts of books on health and healing, attended classes on heathy living and energy healing topics, taken advantage of alternative healing modalities (reiki, holistic nutritionist, massage, meditation), and prayed (a lot).  I am prepared.  Why is it, at this point in my life, I am worried about being tested?  This is just another opportunity to learn the lessons, demonstrate my mastery of the subject material, and move on.  What a difference that perspective makes.  I am going to choose to assign that meaning to the next set of scans.  Just an opportunity to demonstrate my comprehension of the lesson of the last 5 years.  I’m sure this is not going to be a once and done exercise, but why not look at it like an opportunity to prove I am still healthy and whole and not proof that I am somehow less than successful?  Sometimes a test is just a test.  Time to pass with flying colors and move on!!

 

My new candy cane cast

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Man oh man am I getting tired of all the detours.  First it was “Your 5 year scans are clean” and then it was “The Radiologist thinks he saw something on your MRI and we need to do a bone biopsy.”  Next it was “Your biopsy is clear” and then it was “But we want to repeat all your scans in 3 months to be sure.” Then I was planning a 4-day spa get away with my sister to celebrate life and the upcoming Christmas holiday and now I have a bruised tailbone, broken wrist, and my arm in a cast for at least 6 weeks.  You see, we were enjoying the spa’s “Relaxation Room,” feet in a warm foot pool, and then I was called for my facial appointment.  The floor in this room is marble, it was already wet from other’s feet, I added my wet feet to the mix and had to walk across the room to the towel shelf to grab a towel to dry my feet.  The next thing I knew my feet were off the floor and I landed on my wrist and tailbone.  Ouch!!  After the staff picked me up off the floor and took me to the local Urgent Care, my tailbone and wrist were x-ray’d, and it was determined I had a bruised tailbone and broken wrist.  My 4-day spa vacation turned into less than 1 day, as I had to check out and head to the local hospital to meet with an Orthopedic Surgeon.  I tell you all this for two main reasons.  First, as it is difficult to type, I may not be posting as regularly as I have been for the next few weeks.  Second, although I am really tired of doctors, x-rays, pain, and unforeseen health issues, it could have been much worse!  I could have hit my head on the marble floor and had a much more dire outcome.  It also appears I may not require surgery and for that I am grateful.  I would really appreciate any prayers or positive thoughts you send my way for reduced pain and speedy healing.  I am hopeful, in the midst of this, that this experience will open additional opportunities to practice what I preach.  In all circumstances there is something to learn, something to be grateful for, and above all else, there is always hope for what tomorrow may bring (and I have a candy cane cast in the mean time).  Here’s to a brighter tomorrow for all of us!

 

Biopsy results

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I want to cut right to the chase. The biopsies were NEGATIVE and my surgeon is satisfied with the sample. Praise God!! He does want to follow-up with a plethora of scans in 3 months, just to be sure. My wonderful husband stepped up again to provide all the communication during these last 2 weeks, because I find it difficult enough to live it and have no desire to continually relive it in all the updates. I truly appreciate ALL the prayers, thoughts, and good wishes from each and every one of you dear friends and hope you understand why I go radio silent throughout. I will share both of my husband’s updates, as his words perfectly express where we were after the biopsies and after the doctor’s phone call.

Biopsy day – “Hi, everyone.

Well, the needle biopsy was today, and we hope it was worth it.  It was a long, painful, anxious, and frustrating day.  It took them 2 and a half hours to perform a procedure that should have taken 30 minutes.  You can imagine how Danielle must have felt when the doctor asked for a mallet, and then a drill.  (Yes, she was awake through all of this.  And guess what… Versed doesn’t work very well.)  They couldn’t get the CT and MRI to match up, so there was never any clear target for the biopsy.  He just went in and took several samples from the area.  Who knows if he got anything useful.  All we know is that Danielle is very sore, and we’re both exhausted.  We’ll just have to wait for her surgeon to call next week.

We’re frustrated and sad that we may have gone through this awful day for nothing.  We’re scared that we may now need to do a more invasive biopsy.  And we hanging on to hope that what we did today will yield the answer that this is nothing to worry about.  At this point, Danielle is exhausted and discouraged, and really doesn’t want to talk about it, but your continued prayers and good wishes are very cherished by us.

Love to all, and we’ll keep you posted.”

Results day – “God is Wonderful, my friends! Forever praise Him!!

Danielle just got a call from the doctor.  He told her that the biopsy came back negative, and that he is no longer concerned.  This was the best possible news that we could receive.  We are elated!  We were afraid that he was going to want further tests, or an open-incision biopsy, but he is satisfied with what he has seen.

Because of this little incident, he does want to see Danielle again in 3 months, rather than the planned year, just to make sure that everything is still fine.  We’re okay with this.  He is being cautious and that is a good thing.

Our blessed, wonderful, God-given friends, you have been our faithful support through this whole ordeal.  We pray that our journey through this is dark time is coming to an end.  I hope you won’t mind if we ask you again in January to lift up a few prayers for a scan which will confirm that Danielle is truly finished with what has been the most difficult chapter of her life.

God bless each and every one of you for your love and faithfulness.  HALLELUJAH!!!!”

Those pretty much sum it up. I must admit I have been feeling like a fraud the last 2 weeks. Who am I to start a blog, that I really did feel called to start, about being a hopeful survivor? Hope has been in short supply, although prayers have not. I never want to hold myself up as having a corner on the “hope market” and this experience has reinforced how critical hope is, in the midst. I will continue sharing what I have learned about hope over the last 5+ years, but be clear on the fact that hope is not something, that once found, is constant and strong. I pray that my struggles will encourage you when you find yourselves in short supply.

 

Biopsy is scheduled for Wednesday

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Words I NEVER wanted to have to say again. I received the call yesterday that my CT guided needle biopsy is scheduled for next Wednesday.  I should arrive 2 hours early and expect to be there about 6 hours. I am not worried about the biopsy itself, although the thought of someone continually inserting a needle into my pelvic bone isn’t exactly comforting, but I am worried about what the results might show.  And if, like the last time, they find nothing from the needle biopsy, then an open incision biopsy may be next.

I am really trying to take this one step at a time, but am having a difficult time not comparing this experience to the last time and running down every possible bunny trail in my mind. When someone tells you you have cancer and that the surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation are going to be really tough, you have no idea what that really means.  That is a blessing.  Now that I have experienced it before I know exactly what it will be like and how long it will take (if ever) to return to any sort of normalcy in my life.  That information just intensifies my fear. I am looking into alternative treatments, but realize it is too early to look for other options, when I don’t even know what “it” is yet (if anything).

So I try to remain positive, but it ebbs and flows. I have a huge group of prayer warriors who are lifting me up emotionally, spiritually, and for physical healing during this time of waiting. Hope comes and goes, but I truly believe God left me here, the last time, for a reason.  I am trying to believe that reason still exists today. All prayers greatly appreciated!

 

Maybe I spoke too soon

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After the great news on Friday about my 5 year scans, I received a call from my doctor early yesterday morning.  Never a good sign!  He said the Radiologist who read my MRI saw something of concern and he agreed.  My world fell away.  I was blindsided because the risk for reoccurrence was pretty low this far out.  They are going to start with a needle biopsy.  I am awaiting the call as to timing.

I am not the type who would normally share this information while I’m still in the thick of it, but feel if I am going to be authentic in this blog I can’t be selective in what I share.  I am really trying to practice what I preach about never giving up hope, but right now I am not being very successful.  Fear is a terrible thing! I remind myself that this news didn’t surprise God, but it sure did surprise me.  Any prayers you can offer on my behalf would be greatly appreciated. And now I wait.