Tag: strength

Scanxiety is real

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Do you know what scanxiety is?  If not, you are very lucky.  Scanxiety is the crippling anxiety before undergoing or waiting for the results from cancer detecting scans.  Those of us much too familiar with this event can attest to its existence.

Much has happened since I last discussed my scheduled scans.  No recurrence, thank God (seven years clear!), but anxious moments all the same.  My annual scan on a Friday in October was a cause of much stress.  It was the first time I had gone a full year between scans.  It was wonderful that my doctor felt I had gotten to that point, but my mind wondered what if there was something and it had a full year to grow?  As the day approached my anxiety grew.  I had an MRI and five x-rays and then proceeded to my appointment.  The doctor took a look at the scans, said he didn’t notice anything new (I had been told that at my five year scans and he called me three days later saying I needed to come in for a biopsy, that the Radiologist thought he saw “something”), but that they had to be read by the Radiologist to be sure.  Later than afternoon he called to say I was all set and I didn’t have to come back in for another year.  YAY!!  And then I received a call at 7:30 that night (I was at a concert) telling me the Radiologist noted something and they needed to circle back with him on Monday.  My mind immediately went to a potentially negative outcome.

That weekend was horrible.  I tried to keep myself busy, hoping to not think about it.  On Saturday my husband and I went to an event at the NYS Fairgrounds to pass the time.  That’s when I experienced what I now know was my first panic attack.  I thought I was having a heart attack.  My pulse was 126, I was sweating, shaking, couldn’t catch my breath, and felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest.  Off to Urgent Care we went.  Long story short, they recommended I go to the ER to make sure it wasn’t a heart attack, but they could tell me it sounded like a panic attack.  I said no thanks to the ER, signed their release, and headed home to take a Xanax and go to bed.  Sunday I felt like a wet noodle, no energy and pretty nervous overall.  The following day I received a call that the scans were indeed fine.  Such a relief, but so much anxiety for nothing.  I’m still not sure what was gained by calling me that Friday night, when nothing could be done before Monday morning but worry.  All these details to say scanxiety is real.

I’m not sure why it is, but I seem to get more anxious as time goes on.  My head knows the risk of recurrence decreases with each passing year, but my emotions don’t seem to get the message.  It may be because I was in shock the first few years and just put one foot in front of the other to make it through the day.  I was scanned every three months and measured my life in those short increments.  Now that the scans are annual and I am regaining strength and some sort of quality of life (good, but definitely different), I feel like I have more to lose.  Before my life was consumed with all things cancer treatment and recovery.  Now I go out with friends, take vacations with my husband, and dream of a future.  More to lose seems to equal more anxiety around the scans.

So, if you are a member of the Cancer Club, I get it.  No matter how long it has been since your original diagnosis, scans are still really scary.  But knowing others are experiencing the same feelings seems to be some sort of comfort.  Never forget that sharing a heavy burden lightens the load.  There is strength in community, make sure you find one.  And please reach out to me if there is anything I can do.  We are all in this together.

 

Don’t let what you don’t know get ahead of what you do know

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Words to live by!  These are the words shared by a friend of ours whose daughter has been recently diagnosed with leukemia.  They are words she is holding on to daily.  And they are words we would all do well to embrace.  Unfortunately, life has a way of giving us many situations during our lives where, if we look too far in the future, we are totally overwhelmed. Your mind starts sprinting (or hopping) down every bunny trail it encounters.  What if this happens?  What if we receive this news?  What if we are told this is the next step?  What if we aren’t given a next step?  What if…?

I am as guilty of this as any one of you, but where does it get us?  Scared, paralyzed, unable to make reasonable decisions, unable to sleep.  Not a place that any of us want to find ourselves.

I am reminded of a conversation I had many years ago.  I was in the middle of a really contentious divorce that I saw no end to, was looking for a job (because of the divorce), had just moved from my home of 14 years (again, because of the divorce), and my father was dying and had asked that my sister and I help him die at home.  So, I was trying to handle all that was going on back home in Pennsylvania and staying for weeks at a time in New York, facing the daily stresses of losing a parent needing 24-hour care.  One of my parents’ pastors came to the house to visit with my dad and took the time out to talk to me about how all this was impacting me. I explained how totally overwhelmed I felt.  How I couldn’t see a way to handle all the things I saw on my horizon (both physically and emotionally).  He shared something I will never forget.

As background here, this man was dealing with his own scary unknown.  His son had been diagnosed with a disease that had no cure.  They knew exactly how he would die, the steps the disease would progress through, and what tomorrow would mean.  Yet they were functioning and seemingly thriving.  I asked how. And this is what he said.

We cling to a verse in the Bible: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. (Lamentations 3:22-23)

He went on to explain that God provides the mercies we need every morning for that day and that day alone.  If we try to live further in the future than that, we don’t have God’s mercies for that situation yet.  At first I thought, that’s easier said than done, and then I remembered what he was facing. If that was how he made it through the day, then it was worth trying.

So, when you face situations you just don’t know how you can handle, remember these ideas:

  • Don’t dream up worst case scenarios and run down every possible bunny trail. Don’t let what you don’t know get ahead of what you do know.  Put one foot in front of the other and deal with only what is right in front of you right now.
  • Remember that God will provide you the mercies you need today for today. And He will provide you the mercies you need tomorrow for tomorrow.  Try to live in today’s mercies.  Accept them, thank Him, and once again put one foot in front of the other.

 

Counseling Rocks!!!

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I don’t know about you, but I wasn’t raised in a family that encouraged counseling.  We were taught to be strong and self-sufficient.  Fear and failure were signs of weakness.  And most of all, we should take our struggles to God, not man. Now taking your struggles to God is a wonderful idea, but people sometimes also need trained counselors to deal with their issues (at least I do).  It took many years to arrive at this realization, but I am so glad arrive I did. The last three years have been a wonderful, painful, emotionally bare, learning time that I am so grateful for.  But all good things must come to an end.  My perfect counselor (perfect for me) retired at the end of April.  I didn’t see that coming.  I think I needed counseling to deal with the loss of my counselor, but alas, my counselor was retiring.  Now what do I do?

After many tears with both my counselor and husband, my husband uttered these wonderful words…

This chapter is ending, but the next chapter is only a page away.  You only have to turn the page.

So, turn the page I will.  Part of that page turning involves looking back on the many lessons I have learned during those years.  One of those lessons was the importance of listening to that still, small, God-given voice deep down inside.  My upbringing valued left brain, logical, fact-based decision making.  My career in finance and project management reinforced those values.  But when life deals you those unexpected, “never thought it would happen to me” cards, cards that can’t be reasoned or “logic’d” out, you have to open yourself to something more.  Without that possibility, life feels unmanageable.  So, I try to listen more.  I try to “feel” more.  I try to step out of that “only left brained” mentality and consider other possibilities. I try to live in the moment, instead of the past and future (this is still a major work in progress).  All of this is new to me, but I believe it is critically important for my well-being.

Another important lesson has to do with loving my inner child.  We all have past hurts that impact our decisions and reactions to this day. Hurts that may cause us to treat ourselves and others in a way that is less than ideal.  Hurts that have led us to some unhealthy coping mechanisms that have carried into our adult lives.  Our adult self needs to love that small child, thank them for all they did to get us to this point, and assure them that you can take it from here.  We are much better equipped to handle the situations we find ourselves in than that young, wounded child anyway.  Identifying this is the first step in healing that inner child in all of us.

I was recently reading the “Best Self Newsletter” and I came across this statement by Kristen Noel which says it better than I could…

Your Inner Child may have learned coping mechanisms that saved your life as a child, but those coping behaviors don’t have to rule your life as an adult.  Grace is found in moments of silence when you take the hand of your fearful inner child and you whisper, ‘Thank you. You’ve done an awesome job getting me here. I honor the bumps in the road that you have endured, but I’ve got this now. You needn’t be fearful anymore.’

Those are only two lessons I take away from the last three years of counseling.  There are far too many to count, but I can tell you that I am forever changed. So, if you need someone to talk to, go find a counselor that is your perfect fit.  Interview a bunch, if you need to (I kissed a few frogs before I found my Prince Charming).  Don’t settle for just anyone.  This relationship may be one of the most important relationships you will ever have.  You didn’t marry the first guy you ever dated, did you (maybe you did and you’re blissfully happy, but you get where I’m coming from)?  And I leave you with one more quote.  This time from my all-time favorite musical, “Wicked.”  It is for you, Mark, if you are reading this…

I’ve heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn.  And we are led to those who help us most to grow, if we let them.  And we help them in return.  Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true, but I know I’m who I am today because I knew you.  I do believe I have been changed for the better.  Because I knew you… because I knew you… I have been changed for good.

 

I Am Here

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You may be asking yourself, has Hopeful Survivor fallen off the face of the earth?  Is something wrong?  Did she decide to stop blogging and never tell anyone?  The answer to all these questions is “No.”  I am painfully aware that I have been MIA lately.  I haven’t blogged in a while for two main reasons. One is that I have had one health issue after another.  None are life threatening (thank God) and after a cancer diagnosis I feel like non-life-threatening ills shouldn’t count.  But they do.  They still make you feel lousy, sap your energy, and lead to discouragement.  It all began with a UTI in September, followed by the lead up to my regularly scheduled cancer scans (which always cause worry and anxiety).  Before I even learned my results (yay, they were clear!), I started with the symptoms of what I now call “The Plague.”  I am not trying to be melodramatic, but after two doctor visits (in which I was told it is not the flu, but will last and feel like it), and 7 weeks flat on my back, I didn’t know what else to call it.  A cold just didn’t seem to adequately describe it. Thanksgiving this year was spent in bed, as my wonderful husband made our Thanksgiving dinner, complete with turkey, for just the two of us.  That took me into December and yet another UTI.  And let’s not forget the ever-present peripheral neuropathy.  So, blogging wasn’t exactly in the forefront of my mind.

The second and bigger reason was that I didn’t feel like I had anything to say.  I truly feel that this blog is a calling for me.  If I am being honest, I would prefer not to do it, as I am normally a very private person.  But I know that I know that I know that I lived through my cancer battle for a reason. I never forget that my prayer during that time was if I had to go through all this, that it not be wasted. I also know that, when diagnosed, I searched for one person who had lived with my very rare form of cancer (Undifferentiated Pleomorphic Sarcoma of the pelvis) and couldn’t find anyone.  I thought that if one other person had survived, then I could too.  So now I offer myself as that person for those of you who feel hopeless and despondent. That is my message, so I actually do have something to say.  If you are feeling that life isn’t fair, you are correct.  If you are feeling like you can’t take one more thing added to the long list of things you are currently dealing with, I am right there with you. But if you feel like you can’t go on, you are wrong.  You can go on and life can get better!  Maybe not in a linear fashion, getting a little better every day, but it can get better. Hope plays a huge part in that. There is always hope that tomorrow may be better than today, or at least next year may be better than this year. If we give up hope, there really is no reason to continue fighting the fight or take the next step on our journey (whatever that journey may be).  I am still here for a reason and I believe it is to help spread hope to the hopeless.  If you are feeling hopeless in one or many areas of your life right now, I am here. I understand and I care. Sometimes listening, encouraging, and refusing to give up on each other is why we are here.  I AM HERE!!

 

Let go of worry

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Are you someone who can take life as it comes, ride any wave that comes your way with ease, shrug off life’s uncertainties? No, me neither.  I tend to think everything to death, chase down every bunny trail, and try to plan for whatever may come.  That leads to a lot of worry.  What could happen next, how would we handle it, am I prepared?  That tendency became reinforced during my cancer battle. After all, I was fighting for my life.  I had to anticipate any and all things that may kill me, right?  Living like that is no fun, nor is it really living.  Every day is such a blessing.  So many others will not have that opportunity.

I have been following two sweet little children who are fighting different types of childhood cancer.  They were both diagnosed at age two.  Numerous surgeries and rounds of chemotherapy later, both of them had relapses and one has passed.  The other seems to be out of options, as it has metastasized to his lungs and bones. It just doesn’t seem fair!  Their lives were just beginning.

So, in a world where so many unthinkable things happen on a daily basis, how can you worry less?  I am not unrealistic enough to think we would not worry at all, but that is definitely my goal.  One of my favorite quotes by Corrie tenBoom, a Nazi concentration camp survivor, says

Worrying is carrying tomorrow’s load with today’s strength–carrying two days at once. It is moving into tomorrow ahead of time. Worrying doesn’t empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.

What wise words, from someone who had every reason to worry.  Few of us will ever experience the level of emotional and physical distress that she did, and yet God gave her a spirit of peace in the midst of it.  I think that’s the lesson for me.  Life will provide many opportunities for worry, but God has promised to never leave us during those times.  He never promised we wouldn’t have to walk through them or that it would be easy, but He promised we wouldn’t have to do it alone.  In that promise is great hope.  Let’s face it, today needs all the strength it can get, so let’s send worry packing!

 

Thoughts can change biology

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Have you ever noticed that thinking a certain thought can change your day? You wake up and, for a brief moment, may forget that diagnosis.  Or maybe you forget that your marriage is over or your job has been eliminated. And then it all comes rushing back and you start to feel nauseous and shaky.  Your head starts throbbing and your palms start sweating.  Your thoughts have directly impacted your biology. Study after study is now proving the idea that you can think yourself sick, as well as well.  You can change your gene expression by assuming a positive or negative attitude about your circumstances.  If that is true, why don’t doctors encourage each and every patient to practice positive visualization?  It costs nothing, has no associated risks, and could greatly improve a prognosis.

I once heard a speaker say, “The day I got my diagnosis I died to who I was. But I haven’t yet been reborn to who I am going to become.”  She had a sense of continuity even in the way that she spoke.  She was telling a story that told me this woman expects to live. What we believe and tell our minds can greatly impact our cellular biology.  Expect a positive outcome.  Think about a positive outcome (in great detail).  Dream of your life with this positive outcome.  I’m not talking about becoming a Pollyanna, I’m talking about really seeing your life healthy and whole (or at least as I say, “remarkably better”).  Feel the feelings associated with that reality.  Your brain can’t tell the difference between what has already happened and what you have imagined and felt if you picture it with enough detail and emotion.  It’s not easy, especially when you are so sick or scared, but it is a skill to be practiced.  It gets easier the more consistently you practice it.  What have you got to lose?  Time is going to pass either way.  You can sit back and wait for healing or improvement or you can imagine it. You can picture it in all its luscious, joyful, hopeful detail.  See yourself able to do and experience all the things you have only dreamed of.  At the very least you will notice improvements in your emotions and hope.  At most you will notice miraculous improvements to your life.  Let’s give it a try together!

 

And the results are in…

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This latest round of scans was clear!  The exact terminology is “no evidence of recurrence.”  I couldn’t be more pleased or more thankful.  And I also found out what “the foreseeable future” means.  After 2 rounds of 3 month scans, the doctor said “see you in 6 months.”  I guess that means “the foreseeable future” is 6 months long.  Who knew!  I am so relieved to move back to 6 month intervals and look forward to clean scans in October and moving to once a year!!  I can hardly believe it.  Last October, the time of my scare, he had moved me to annual scans.  I was thrilled and so relieved.  Then the phone call came and it signaled a biopsy and 3 month scans once again.  I can’t even imagine what annual scans would feel like, but I am looking forward to finding out.

So, life picks up right where it left off.  I always find it interesting that scan day can lead to 1 of 2 very different experiences. Either it is a few hours (and a few days waiting for results) out of an otherwise normal week or life as you know it completely changes.  I describe that as throwing my life into a blender.  I think life, in general, is a lot like that.  You get in your car, to drive to work, and a car accident alters your life forever.  The phone rings in the middle of the night, telling you news you hoped to never hear, and life is never the same.  Your spouse comes home one day and tells you he wants a divorce.  Enter the “blender phenomenon.”  I have learned many lessons from that blender.  One is that I am much stronger than I ever thought I was.  Strength is forged in adversity, but if you recognize and embrace that strength today the lessons of adversity may not need to pay you a visit as often.  Another lesson is to never take today for granted, because tomorrow is not guaranteed. I have spent far too many todays wishing, praying, or working toward a different tomorrow.  I am finally beginning to embrace today as the gift it is and leave tomorrow to tomorrow.  The key word there is “beginning.”  I am such a work in progress.  So today I encourage each of you to embrace those lessons in your lives.  Do yourself a big favor and embrace them without having to experience the dreaded “blender phenomenon.”  Your soul will thank you!