Do you know what scanxiety is?  If not, you are very lucky.  Scanxiety is the crippling anxiety before undergoing or waiting for the results from cancer detecting scans.  Those of us much too familiar with this event can attest to its existence.

Much has happened since I last discussed my scheduled scans.  No recurrence, thank God (seven years clear!), but anxious moments all the same.  My annual scan on a Friday in October was a cause of much stress.  It was the first time I had gone a full year between scans.  It was wonderful that my doctor felt I had gotten to that point, but my mind wondered what if there was something and it had a full year to grow?  As the day approached my anxiety grew.  I had an MRI and five x-rays and then proceeded to my appointment.  The doctor took a look at the scans, said he didn’t notice anything new (I had been told that at my five year scans and he called me three days later saying I needed to come in for a biopsy, that the Radiologist thought he saw “something”), but that they had to be read by the Radiologist to be sure.  Later than afternoon he called to say I was all set and I didn’t have to come back in for another year.  YAY!!  And then I received a call at 7:30 that night (I was at a concert) telling me the Radiologist noted something and they needed to circle back with him on Monday.  My mind immediately went to a potentially negative outcome.

That weekend was horrible.  I tried to keep myself busy, hoping to not think about it.  On Saturday my husband and I went to an event at the NYS Fairgrounds to pass the time.  That’s when I experienced what I now know was my first panic attack.  I thought I was having a heart attack.  My pulse was 126, I was sweating, shaking, couldn’t catch my breath, and felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest.  Off to Urgent Care we went.  Long story short, they recommended I go to the ER to make sure it wasn’t a heart attack, but they could tell me it sounded like a panic attack.  I said no thanks to the ER, signed their release, and headed home to take a Xanax and go to bed.  Sunday I felt like a wet noodle, no energy and pretty nervous overall.  The following day I received a call that the scans were indeed fine.  Such a relief, but so much anxiety for nothing.  I’m still not sure what was gained by calling me that Friday night, when nothing could be done before Monday morning but worry.  All these details to say scanxiety is real.

I’m not sure why it is, but I seem to get more anxious as time goes on.  My head knows the risk of recurrence decreases with each passing year, but my emotions don’t seem to get the message.  It may be because I was in shock the first few years and just put one foot in front of the other to make it through the day.  I was scanned every three months and measured my life in those short increments.  Now that the scans are annual and I am regaining strength and some sort of quality of life (good, but definitely different), I feel like I have more to lose.  Before my life was consumed with all things cancer treatment and recovery.  Now I go out with friends, take vacations with my husband, and dream of a future.  More to lose seems to equal more anxiety around the scans.

So, if you are a member of the Cancer Club, I get it.  No matter how long it has been since your original diagnosis, scans are still really scary.  But knowing others are experiencing the same feelings seems to be some sort of comfort.  Never forget that sharing a heavy burden lightens the load.  There is strength in community, make sure you find one.  And please reach out to me if there is anything I can do.  We are all in this together.